And yet I still feel the same way after everything. Love is still present, but the pain has become the inevitable.
I can’t help myself to believe that it’s my fault. Even though I had no intentions, I didn’t think it would turn out this way. I worry, feel the tensions and wonder why does someone deserve this. At times I feel helpless and feel the need to do something but it comes straight to the question: “what do I do?”
My words are only there to heal the wounds, my touch is there to ease the pain, but these actions I make, makes the situation worse as the wound becomes deeper. No matter what I do( the results keep coming back no matter what. I keep trying to do my best close them, keep them healed but they regain the wounds and pain. I want to do something but what is there that I can do? I don’t want to feel helpless, but there is something that’s pushing me away from healing. Even though it’s a possibility of knowing what it is, then why is it consistently pushing me away.
It sucks that I came so close, came oh so close to making something work but impatience intervened and made a mess of everything. Made a mess of me, made a mess of my soul, and made a mess of my mind. When I gave my all, gave my everything, it felt as if it was never enough to make it happen. I don’t regret it giving my all till I was empty, don’t regret making more of a mess of myself. I knew what would be the ending result if I kept up with this. I would look like some fool, chasing after love that stopped existing a long time ago. But, I was just going after the friendship that started the bond. I wanted to bring back history, bring back memories, bring back the laughter, bring back those heart to heart conversations even before the love came through.
I was running and chasing after something that meant so much to me. It made me full, made me feel whole. It was that emptiness that hungered that filling. The loneliness wanting and craving someones presence. Whether if it was waking up next to her or just simple phone call to say good morning. My mind was so stuck on her, waited for her to come through and make my day. The smallest and simplest things make me at my happiest and there was never a day, I valued it so much.
If there was someone to ask me what she was like, I would say:
She was so creative and intelligent, her mind was so vast and warm, like a library where I could find myself sulking into her own thoughts like no other. An artist who was so skillful and industrious with eyes that were determined to fulfill any obligation and goal in life. I could never get enough of her smile, its so catchy that I could not resist the moment to smile back, but even her laugh was something I could not forget. Her happiness was so contagious that I can never get enough of it. She was so beautiful in every way, both inside and out.
The list would go on, but the list would become more difficult to understand. It would become this different language that me and her would only understand. My time was spent so much understanding and getting to know her, exploring every bit of herself and finding myself falling in love with her more and more.
I was truly chasing in a blind path, not knowing where I’ll end up. I was so blind to know where I was standing now, til I realize that there was no point. I’ve fallen, hurt myself, given myself pain, and consumed sadness. I’ve picked myself up and chose another path, a path to be alone. To cope with loneliness again, to strengthen and to better myself. I walked this path, with dreams taunting and haunting me of my past. Mocking me what could of happened if it all worked. It’s as if I’m watching this all happen to her, but with someone else. Something I could never do but wish I could do some how. But it just seems too all late, and as much I hate giving up, it just proves that I should stop trying.
I hope I’ve gathered enough strength just to go out there to see you. I hope I’m not making things uncomfortable. However, I’m happy to see you again. Hopefully we can finally catch up, make a few laughs and enjoy the memories being made with the friends we have. But, I wish I could tell that I missed you. Not to someone I loved dearly but to someone who meant so much to me in my life.
Once we fall, we get up and try again.
I’ve always taught myself to never give up on the things you want the most until you’ve gained it. I made it a life lesson, made it a reminder to help me remember how I got here.
But I’ve been caught up with the torment of my own thoughts where I continued to sulk into it because I gave up. I gave up on not only myself, but the people around me who did everything they could to make me feel better. I never felt so guilty giving up on the people who lent me their hand, who lent me their shoulder, and who lent me their hearts. I was too busy sulking and distancing myself from the people that I thought I didn’t need.
However, I was wrong, I know some where deep inside of this hard thick head of mine that I was going to need them. This thick skull of mine, made it hard to realize that they were the ones who pushed me and supported me to where I am now. No matter how many times I deny the help, they’re still going to be there for me. With those types of people, who stand idly by, never leaving your side until you get back on your feet again were just meant to be kept in your life forever. When I see them now, I felt guilty for denying them, but happy that they’re still here.
They’re the reason for the type of person I am now, the reason of my happiness, and the reason to love again.
As the day comes closer, my fear grows and slowly consuming me inside. The thought not knowing what to expect or what to do once I see that moment. My close friends ask me, “Are you going to be okay with this?” and all I could feel is the worry in them. They feel the same fear of what the possible outcome may be. Me falling apart with the pain that grew in me and stayed with me for way too long. They felt concerned and never wanted me to see me at that state. I want to face this, but what will the outcome be when the time comes?
I’m scared to share my thoughts and feelings cause these words that I express myself with are just weapons. They give never ending pain, not only to me, but to others as well. So I want to say sorry to the people that I’ve hurt with these thoughts of mine. I don’t mean any harm, just finding the right time to reflect and find the right solutions to my problems. It’s something I need to do to get through with my day.
Mikey Avila, thats me. MAL My personal thoughts and feelings, jotted down on to this sub-blog. A place where I feel comfortable letting out whatever I feel or thinking of. I'm not the worlds greatest writer, but I'm just a guy who wants to let things out than keeping it in. I do Video Blogs and they're not all that great. It just a easier way for me to let go whatever is on my mind.
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